Thank You for Holding

This story was originally published in the Summer 2025 issue of Borderline Tales.

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[cosmic muzak plays]

“Hello! You have reached the Extradimensional Space-Time Incident and Hazard Helpline. Thank you for holding. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to our menu options as they have recently changed:

“If you have stumbled into the astral void, press one.

“If you have been contacted by an unfamiliar entity who has requested the codes to your planet’s orbital defense systems, press two.

“If you have come into possession of an arcane artifact that whispers dark secrets to you, press three.

“If you would like to update your contact information, press four.

“If you have been or are currently being accosted by interdimensional beings, press five.”

[beep]

“You have selected ‘have been or are currently being accosted by interdimensional beings.’ Is that correct?”

[beep]  

“Okay! I just need to know a little more about these interdimensional beings. How would you best describe them? Are they:

“Crass goblinoid space bikers? Press one.

“Extraterrestrials whose societal system is founded upon intergalactic big-game hunting? Press two.

“Shapeshifters who have assumed the identity of a friend or loved one? Press three.

“Anthropomorphic avians hawking an intergalactic timeshare scam? Press four.

“Destructive kaiju unleashed by and serving as the poetically just consequence of scientific hubris? Press five. 

“Liminal horrors who defy description? Press six.

“Giant insectoids? Press seven.

“For more options, press eight.

“To speak with a representative, dial zero.”

…

[beep]

“You have selected ‘giant insectoids.’ Is that correct?”

[beep]

“Okay! I just need to know a little more about these interdimensional beings. To the best of your knowledge, where do they come from?

“If they arrived via spaceship, press one.

“If they emerged from a space-time rift originating in your kitchen pantry—”

[beep]

“You have selected ‘a space-time rift—’”

[beep]

“Okay! I just need to know a little more about these interdimensional beings. Based upon your interactions, what would you say is their intent?

“If it’s intergalactic conquest, press one.

“If it’s to sell you a newly built condominium located in the M87 galaxy, press two.

“If it’s recompence for an ancient grudge or the fulfillment of a long-awaited prophecy, press three.

“If it’s an insatiable thirst for blood, press four.”

[beep]

“You have selected ‘an insatiable thirst for—’”

[beep]

“Okay! I just need to know a little more—’”

[beep]

“You have selected ‘representative,’ is that—’”

[beep]

“Did you know we have a newsletter? You can sign up by—’”

[frantic beeps]

“Got it! Please wait while I connect you with a representative.”

[cosmic muzak resumes]

…
…
…
…

“Thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but all our agents are currently assisting other callers. If you’d like, I can put you on our callback list and you’ll be contacted as soon as one of our agents becomes available. Would you like me to put you on our callback list?”

…
…

“Are you still there? Say ‘yes’ or press one to continue.”

…
…

“You have not responded in the allotted time. This call will be terminated. Thank you for calling the Extradimensional Space-Time Incident and Hazard Helpline. It was our pleasure to serve you. You will receive an email with a link to a brief survey. Tell us how we did, and you’ll be entered to win a gift certificate accepted at stores throughout the omniverse.

“Goodbye!”